Sunday, July 17, 2011

I felt a piece of my heart break, but when you're standing at a crossroad, there's a choice you gotta make...

My chest tightened as I pulled open the heavy wooden door. The sanctuary was filled with familiar faces, each warmly welcoming me back after a long time away. My heart ached more and more with each hug. Almost at my breaking point, I was saved by the start of worship; I've never been more relieved to hear Micah's beautiful voice. As my family worshiped around me, I silently pleaded with the Lord to ease the pain. My eyes burned with impending tears, so I closed them in hopes of keeping it together, but my eyelids where no match for the wells of hot tears. I retreated back into my chair. The tears came instantaneously - not a few silently shed tears, no, these were sobs. It was as if the pain I felt was rolling down my cheeks. I sat sobbing, praying to the Lord for comfort, and then I felt it - her hand landed softly on my back. As my sobs continued, she was unrelenting - she continued to gently rub my back, letting me know she was right there. I could hear her lifting up prayers on my behalf. When I finally regained some measure of composure, I escaped outside for a moment. The hot sun hit my face and humidity filled my lungs. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, only to be pulled out of the moment by a familiar voice calling my name. His sweet smile was a sight for sore eyes and his embrace felt like it lasted forever. I think he knew, but he didn't press in, and I was grateful. 

I struggled to stay focused the rest of the service, it was all I could think about. It's like I'm carrying around a bomb, just waiting for the right time to drop it on all of them. But the truth is that there is no right time, no easy way. Every conversation will hurt. But I know this is right, I know this is the Lord's will. 

So, tomorrow evening we'll sit on her porch swing as is ritual, and I'll tell her. And it'll break my heart. 

I know there's a blue horizon somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me. Getting there means leaving things behind, sometimes life's so bittersweet.

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