Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Word of the year thus far: overwhelmed.

I'm barley making it, friends. There is an all-too-familiar weight on my chest at all times. I feel like I'm drowning. Everything is getting to me. Things I've ignored/put off are coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm slipping back into old habits. Time is fading, and I'm collapsing under the pressure. I need a release - I need to cry or scream or tell someone the whole truth about everything or hit something...but I can't do any of those things. The tears well up, but they never stream down. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I should have told her last night, but fear took over and stifled the truth. I'm terrified that if I let go, even for just a second, I'll completely loose control.

All of this is quite paralyzing. I am literally having to remind myself to breathe. Thank God I have friends who can make me laugh out loud over lunch and who will sit on a porch swing with me for a few hours, just enjoying a cool night. It's been little moments like those that give me just enough time to breathe to keep going.

Even in the midst of all this, God is still good. Yesterday evening I had a moment of uncharacteristic excitement. Tuesday was a crappy day, but excitement had welled up within me...and I had no idea why. So I sat with it, took it in, asked the Lord about it and here's what it was: I'm excited to grow up, to grow into the woman He's created me to be. Even in the middle of the crap, He's giving me little reminders, saying, "Look what I've already done in you. Hold on."

I will not be in want, I lack nothing; the Lord of the universe dwells within me, He is the source of all life. I need only tap into Him.

I am overwhelmed, but I will not be overcome.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:3-9

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