Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Word of the year thus far: overwhelmed.

I'm barley making it, friends. There is an all-too-familiar weight on my chest at all times. I feel like I'm drowning. Everything is getting to me. Things I've ignored/put off are coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm slipping back into old habits. Time is fading, and I'm collapsing under the pressure. I need a release - I need to cry or scream or tell someone the whole truth about everything or hit something...but I can't do any of those things. The tears well up, but they never stream down. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I should have told her last night, but fear took over and stifled the truth. I'm terrified that if I let go, even for just a second, I'll completely loose control.

All of this is quite paralyzing. I am literally having to remind myself to breathe. Thank God I have friends who can make me laugh out loud over lunch and who will sit on a porch swing with me for a few hours, just enjoying a cool night. It's been little moments like those that give me just enough time to breathe to keep going.

Even in the midst of all this, God is still good. Yesterday evening I had a moment of uncharacteristic excitement. Tuesday was a crappy day, but excitement had welled up within me...and I had no idea why. So I sat with it, took it in, asked the Lord about it and here's what it was: I'm excited to grow up, to grow into the woman He's created me to be. Even in the middle of the crap, He's giving me little reminders, saying, "Look what I've already done in you. Hold on."

I will not be in want, I lack nothing; the Lord of the universe dwells within me, He is the source of all life. I need only tap into Him.

I am overwhelmed, but I will not be overcome.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls." - 1 Peter 1:3-9

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

All These Things

Things are crazy right now, friends. On top of everything else going on, I'm moving. Don't get me wrong, I am SUPER excited to move in with the Morrisons, but that means I'm downsizing from a house to a bedroom. No biggie, right? That's what storage is for, yeah? Wrong. I've decided paying for storage isn't the best decision, so I'm getting rid of pretty much everything. So, I've slowly been chipping away at my stuff - going through things, getting rid of about 90% of what I currently have. (Side note: Need any furniture? If so, call me, because all of that's going too!) I'm also slowly chipping away at about (no joke) 15 loads of laundry; if I can have 5 laundry baskets stuffed with dirty laundry and still have clothes to wear, I have too much...WAY too much.

Typically, you don't realize how much stuff you have until you have to pack it. True. I'm also finding there's truth in the statement, "You fill the space you have." When I lived in the dorms, everything I owned fit in my car. Then I moved into this big house, with lots of places to put things and have somehow accumulated a bunch of stuff.

And that's all it is...stuff. Granted, I'm not very sentimental. But honestly, do I love a friend less if I don't keep that birthday card forever? Will the memories mean less if I don't have something tangible? The answer is no. Seriously, if it's packed away in a box somewhere and you never see it, how much could it possibly mean to you?

So, here's to moving, clean laundry, and a simpler, less cluttered life.
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