Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Scrupulously

My tongue stumbled over the syllables like a toddler learning to walk stumbles over her feet. My checks flushed with the heat of embarrassment and I felt the tears begin to form. I took a deep breath and started over, failing yet again. Normally I would have laughed it off, but today had already been too much. Today was full of incredibly difficult realizations, huge disappointments, and proved once and for all that I can no longer ignore the full reality of my situation. The sting of failure is setting in, and it is heartbreaking.

I'm tired--I'm tired of not having the time, the money, the solutions. I am completely overwhelmed and just want to run away. But running is not an option, so I wake up every morning, put on my big girl pants, and attempt my best "I'm doing great" face. But tonight, several times, I lost my composure. And I am trying to be okay with that fact...I need to allow myself to feel. The world is not going to end, but it sure feels that way right now.

Eventually, I correctly pronounced the word and the evening turned out quite lovely. Immersed in an atmosphere of love, affirmation, excitement, and support I found comfort and relief for a few brief hours. I am currently trying to cling to that feeling for as long as possible, but the weight is slowly returning and the tears well up once again.

1 comment:

carina said...

Krysten, I love you. And I want to see you soon!

 
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