Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Water Tower

The cool air rushed through my hair as the car zoomed along the road which seemingly led nowhere. Windows down, music blasting, both occupying the same space and yet left to our own thoughts. The excitement of not knowing our destination pulsed through my body and for the first time in days, I felt alive. In that moment, I did not care one bit where we were going, only that it was away from where I had been.

Our drive continued a long while until things became strangely familiar to me; childhood memories came flooding back and in an instant, I knew exactly where we were. I exited the car and stood in awe of the structure towering over me.

My legs propelled me up the hundreds of stairs just as they had when I was younger. The view from the top was just as breath taking as ever, maybe even more now as my appreciation for nature increases with age. For a few moments I stood atop the tower, not worrying about things to come or the disparity of my present situation, but reminiscing about beloved childhood memories when my family surrounded me on that very tower and the laughter of my cousins and I filled the air, carrying over the vast horizon.

Funny how the oddest of places can bring a bit of healing...


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Scrupulously

My tongue stumbled over the syllables like a toddler learning to walk stumbles over her feet. My checks flushed with the heat of embarrassment and I felt the tears begin to form. I took a deep breath and started over, failing yet again. Normally I would have laughed it off, but today had already been too much. Today was full of incredibly difficult realizations, huge disappointments, and proved once and for all that I can no longer ignore the full reality of my situation. The sting of failure is setting in, and it is heartbreaking.

I'm tired--I'm tired of not having the time, the money, the solutions. I am completely overwhelmed and just want to run away. But running is not an option, so I wake up every morning, put on my big girl pants, and attempt my best "I'm doing great" face. But tonight, several times, I lost my composure. And I am trying to be okay with that fact...I need to allow myself to feel. The world is not going to end, but it sure feels that way right now.

Eventually, I correctly pronounced the word and the evening turned out quite lovely. Immersed in an atmosphere of love, affirmation, excitement, and support I found comfort and relief for a few brief hours. I am currently trying to cling to that feeling for as long as possible, but the weight is slowly returning and the tears well up once again.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Eveningland

The curly red hair and blond pony tail in front of me bob along to the beat of the newest song that sounds like all the rest they play on the radio these days. But I sit quietly in the backseat with the weight of the world on my shoulders (my world at least). The water beneath us is dark as pavement and its glassy surface mimics the skyline above. My eyes follow the street lights that line the river's edge, leading off to the distance.

My thoughts wonder from the fights of this afternoon and pain and worry to the role this city has played in my life the past 3 1/2 years. The sidewalks of Westport have felt the weight of my steps, heavy as I walked out anger, frustration, pain, confusion. There is a table by the window in the corner of Broadway Cafe that has held me for many a Saturday afternoon. Prospero's Book Store taught me the art of bartering. The parks in which I, and hundreds of others, fought for the beautiful children of northern Uganda. I have run into this city, seeking refuge, solitude, excitement and run from this city, desperately seeking adventure and freedom.

Not so long ago, this skyline held my future and before the year's end, it will hold part of my past.
And I'm going to miss the glow of the Western Auto sign.


Monday, March 1, 2010

Walls

"...Why didn't you tell us?"
Even over the phone I can hear the pain in her voice. And for the first time in my life, I didn't make up an excuse. Instead, I stood silent, in the middle of the juice aisle of Target, and fought back tears.



Keep her out.
Let her see.

Which will hurt her more?
I've never been able to decide, so I keep her out...just like everyone else.


This brick wall is stronger than even I thought.
 
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