Tuesday, August 4, 2009

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

this is one time, this is one time, that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all...or anyone at all. and the grave that you refuse to leave, the refuge that you've built to flee, the places that you've come to fear the most...it's the place that you have come to fear the most.

This little room in Melrose has been my sanctuary this summer, but also my prison. It has been years since I had this much time to myself, this much free time; honestly, I haven't known what to do with myself most of the time. Run, work, home--what else?

Music tends to define my life, probably because I was not gifted with poetic fingers. Within lyrics, I find my solace. There have been many hours spent these past few months lying on the floor, eyes closed, letting the music take me back. Intentionally chosen, the melodies strike the chords of my memory--some bringing gut wrenching laughter of cherished times, some expelling tears laden with the deep pain still somewhere deep within me, some rousing anger not yet dealt with, others mellowing me out, taking me to a place of contentment.

Summer 2009 met me with few expectations. While most of my friends were jetting off to their exotic adventures, I would be stuck on the Hill. Great. I'll be honest, if I could change it, I would. But it is times like last night I am reminded just how much I needed to be here this summer.

One of the very few things which has kept me sane this summer has been the presence of Quincy. Last year brought Quincy together as RAs in Semple and a relationship which started as co-workers has evolved into a beautiful friendship. So last night we decided to have dinner at Los Compas, and what started as a simple dinner between two friends turned into deep, meaningful conversation and a time of confession. I have not had my heart hurt that much for or felt so close to someone in a very long time. The words said and the feelings expressed at that booth in the middle of a crowded restaurant will stay between Quincy and I, but I will share this with you...
This summer has brought healing, beautiful healing.
I have found it in the most unlikely of places--playing Frisbee on the Triangle with new friends, Skype conversations, a Rusted Root concert, a booth at Compas, the floor of my room, late night conversations with my suitemate, the swing, ice cream dates with Rory, among other places.

No longer will I be a stellar monument to loneliness. I'm taking off my perfect make-up; no longer will I barely scrape by. The grave that I refuse to leave and this refuge I've built to flee will no longer be the places I fear the most.

This healing process is one which is far from over; but I have tasted the sweetness of joy once again and will fight for it from here on out.


Liz said...

Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I love you.

Anonymous said...

i love this post. and i love your heart. i have faith that they next year is going to bring you so much joy and happiness! i'm glad you found solace in an equally beautiful person!

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