Saturday, August 29, 2009

These Things

My heart aches for...

comfort where comfort should be found
a place to land
relief from the pain
the comfort of his arms
to be looked in the eye and understood
the strength to finally break these chains
the deep connection we once had
open road

It's been two months; I didn't think I needed it any longer...
I was wrong.

Friday, August 28, 2009


sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...

Actually, I prefer the opposite.
Lately it has been within my group of friends that I have felt the most uncomfortable.
So much sits behind that statement.
I sat down with the intention of all the thoughts whirling around my head to flow through my fingers, but as the little black keys rest beneath my finger tips my heart says "no". The thoughts continue to whirl, the words do not come. So, my blogging friends, you will for now remain in the dark.
I would apologize, but I'm not doing that any longer.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Rock::Krysten::Hard Place

Currently: fighting back tears
Current situation: between a rock and a hard place

I feel as though I will have to explain this to all of you eventually, so this is my effort to save some time, and my emotions...
Currently, I am not enrolled as a full time student at Jewell. Why?, you ask--it's a long story. Basically, I have a balance left over from last spring so financial aid has placed a hold on my account, which means I can't register, which means I can't move into the dorms. (I would, however, like to point out that I have paid for the 2009-2010 school year, even though I'm not registered or moved in. How thoughtful of Jewell.) For weeks I have been battling this situation, and it is truly getting the best of me. Options and time are the two things I am quickly running out of, and if I do not get things worked out by tomorrow I may not be a student at Jewell this semester/year.

As an (wanna be) adult, I am mature enough to recognize that, while others are not helping the situation, it was my inaction and irresponsibility that brought me to this place. It's frustrating. It's embarrassing. I've cried more times in the past three days than the past three months.

In the beginning, I thought this was God's way of teaching me a lesson (not in a malicious way though); he's always been good at holding me responsible for my actions/in actions. But the situation has progressively gotten worse. And today, after my last ditch plea for assistance to my father was harshly rejected, I am beginning to wonder if this is God giving me a way out.
Confession time: For 3/4 of the summer I was not planning on coming back to Jewell this fall.
So, do I keep taking this as a challenge and continue to fight? Or is God telling me it's time for something different?

Many of you have recently returned from exotic places and your new found gypsy souls desperately desire to return. This gypsy soul has not yet found that release, but feels that same desperation for something different. While I understand it may be worse to have tasted the world and been pulled away from it than to have never tasted, I want you to know that I would give anything for the bittersweet aftertaste you possess.

So, where does this leave me?
I have NO IDEA.
The next two days have the potential to drastically change the course of my future.
And I'm scared.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hey-O, I'm Legal!

Currently: hanging in the Anderson's apartment
Currently feeling: great

It's official my friends, I am 21! And I will not hesitate to say that it has been the BEST birthday thus far.
Now I know you're probably thinking that it was great because I could drink...not the case...although that was nice. Here's a run down of what my day looked like:
Normally birthdays seem to fly by, but yesterday strolled along like an old woman on a walk. I woke up at Kelsey's house here in Liberty and then she and I spent ALL day just the two of us; and friends, that would have been good enough for me, but the day just kept getting better! After spending all day hanging around her house, cleaning, and running away from Mormons, we met up with a large group of my favorite people at Compas. Los Compas is always wonderful, but it's even better when Nesto is your waiter and it's your birthday! Dinner was wrapped up with "Happy Birthday" in Spanish and a double shot of tequila. Ice cream at By the Scoop, drinks at Six, then cake at Kelsey's house (thanks to Kels and Jon :).

There is no better way to spend a birthday than surrounded by people you love laughing so hard your stomach aches, and that's exactly what I did. Not to mention the fact that a boy who is quickly becoming very important to me got to meet my closest friends. :)

So thank you to all of you who called, texted, or came along for the party.
You all make my life better.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Stranger in a Familiar Land

Throw away your misconceptions. There's no walls around heaven. There's no codes you gotta know to get in. No minutemen or border patrol...The failure keeps you humble. And leads us closer to peace. Heaven. What the hell is heaven? Is there a home for the homeless? Is there hope for the hopeless.

So I'm home...for a funeral.

Sad as it may sound, I feel as though funerals bring me home more often than anything else. Today will be spent surrounded by my father's side of the family at my Uncle Mike's funeral; all morning I have tried to mentally prepare myself to be approached by people whom I'm apparently related to and be told how much I've grown up. Of course I've grown up, like it or not biology gets us all. Following hours of uncomfortableness, there will be a long drive with my immediate family through which I will put on my iPod and ignore the world and I will return to the couch I sleep on in the room that is no longer mine, surrounded by the 3 Rubbermaids, 2 duffel bags, and 3 boxes that contain my whole life and everything I own.

Mom: "Since you're home, why don't we have everyone over on Sunday for your birthday?"
Me: "Great." (laced with sarcasm she does not pick up on)

So within 48 hours I will see every member of my extended family, both sides. Don't misunderstand me, I love my family...but this is too much.

Oh, the joys of being "home". least the laundry is free.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes

this is one time, this is one time, that you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all...or anyone at all. and the grave that you refuse to leave, the refuge that you've built to flee, the places that you've come to fear the's the place that you have come to fear the most.

This little room in Melrose has been my sanctuary this summer, but also my prison. It has been years since I had this much time to myself, this much free time; honestly, I haven't known what to do with myself most of the time. Run, work, home--what else?

Music tends to define my life, probably because I was not gifted with poetic fingers. Within lyrics, I find my solace. There have been many hours spent these past few months lying on the floor, eyes closed, letting the music take me back. Intentionally chosen, the melodies strike the chords of my memory--some bringing gut wrenching laughter of cherished times, some expelling tears laden with the deep pain still somewhere deep within me, some rousing anger not yet dealt with, others mellowing me out, taking me to a place of contentment.

Summer 2009 met me with few expectations. While most of my friends were jetting off to their exotic adventures, I would be stuck on the Hill. Great. I'll be honest, if I could change it, I would. But it is times like last night I am reminded just how much I needed to be here this summer.

One of the very few things which has kept me sane this summer has been the presence of Quincy. Last year brought Quincy together as RAs in Semple and a relationship which started as co-workers has evolved into a beautiful friendship. So last night we decided to have dinner at Los Compas, and what started as a simple dinner between two friends turned into deep, meaningful conversation and a time of confession. I have not had my heart hurt that much for or felt so close to someone in a very long time. The words said and the feelings expressed at that booth in the middle of a crowded restaurant will stay between Quincy and I, but I will share this with you...
This summer has brought healing, beautiful healing.
I have found it in the most unlikely of places--playing Frisbee on the Triangle with new friends, Skype conversations, a Rusted Root concert, a booth at Compas, the floor of my room, late night conversations with my suitemate, the swing, ice cream dates with Rory, among other places.

No longer will I be a stellar monument to loneliness. I'm taking off my perfect make-up; no longer will I barely scrape by. The grave that I refuse to leave and this refuge I've built to flee will no longer be the places I fear the most.

This healing process is one which is far from over; but I have tasted the sweetness of joy once again and will fight for it from here on out.
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