Tuesday, April 7, 2009

breaking free

Currently listening to: Ane Brun
Current struggle: restlessness
Mood: READY!!!

no one in my life has described me more accurately and concisely than my mother; her description of me: drifter. for not knowing me very well, she's got me pegged.

fall break of my freshman year was my first long distance road trip by myself--a trek to umr to visit friends. and i believe that was the beginning of my drifting. my family had always traveled, vacations every summer...i'm no stranger to other parts of the united states. but this trip was different...i was barely 18 and was just beginning my journey here at jewell. and although the trip was only 3 1/2 hours, it was exhilarating. i was finally free.

and then there was sophomore year: outward bound = the single most incredible experience of my lifetime. it's really difficult to believe it's been over a year since i spent my christmas break in the everglades...i remember it like it was just yesterday; and very rarely does a day go by which i don't long to be back there. outward bound changed me.

i'm losing my mind here; it's like a dog being tied up, itching to run. i have another whole year of school left--i can hardly stand being here now, what is it going to be like next year?? so often i fight the urge to get in my car and drive, no destination in mind...just somewhere different, somewhere new.

one day i might look back and regret not focusing on "being here now", but i'm convinced i was born to move. so much lies ahead of me--so much adventure, so many new people, so many new places--it's killing me to wait (i never have been very patient). jewell is not satisfying me any longer, i am ready for something bigger! this deep yearning to move, to run is more than likely affecting my relationships here...but instead of battening down the hatches and focusing on working through everything here my instinct is to look forward and run.

and so far, no one is chasing me.

one of these days i am going to pull hard enough to break this chain, and i'll be gone.

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