Saturday, January 31, 2009

vulnerability, apathy, relationships, and my fish.

"i've got lots of friends, but nobody knows me at all."
--the weepies

sometimes i wonder what my fish would say if he could talk to me. now, i realize how ridiculous this sounds but here's why...
he sits on my desk (at which i spend a lot of time at night). he sits there and swims, watches me, and sometimes even follows my finger (we're still working on that). my fish sees every aspect of my hidden life: he sees my insecurity, he sees me cry, he sees me throw things at my door out of anger, he watches me struggle with my relationship with god and with my friends, he knows my secrets.
so yes, i would like to hear what he'd have to say to me.

lately, i've been struggling terribly with relationships. over the past few months i've watched relationships in my life blossom, thrive, deteriorate, and even fail. i'll be honest with you...vulnerability scares the hell out of me, especially when i know another person can hurt me. and how sad is that, to have the fear of being vulnerable with one of my closest friends for fear of being hurt by that person? i hate that is what that relationship has turned into; it also breaks my heart. and the one person i always felt comfortable with, the one person i could always be real with is now thousands of miles away in central america. i can't describe to you how i miss molly; she has this incredible ability to put me at ease, which i didn't realize until she was no longer here.
so here i am, in this state of apathy; and while it has brought me relief for a short period, it is slowly wearing off and that old and all too familiar pain is creeping back in. a very dear friend of mine consistently tells me that "it is okay to not be okay."
i'm trying my best to believe that, but the world is telling me otherwise.
so i wake up every morning, put on a smile, and try to fake it as best i can; all the while slowly dying inside and destroying what's left of some of the best relationships i've ever had.
this has got to stop.

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