Saturday, January 31, 2009

vulnerability, apathy, relationships, and my fish.

"i've got lots of friends, but nobody knows me at all."
--the weepies

sometimes i wonder what my fish would say if he could talk to me. now, i realize how ridiculous this sounds but here's why...
he sits on my desk (at which i spend a lot of time at night). he sits there and swims, watches me, and sometimes even follows my finger (we're still working on that). my fish sees every aspect of my hidden life: he sees my insecurity, he sees me cry, he sees me throw things at my door out of anger, he watches me struggle with my relationship with god and with my friends, he knows my secrets.
so yes, i would like to hear what he'd have to say to me.

lately, i've been struggling terribly with relationships. over the past few months i've watched relationships in my life blossom, thrive, deteriorate, and even fail. i'll be honest with you...vulnerability scares the hell out of me, especially when i know another person can hurt me. and how sad is that, to have the fear of being vulnerable with one of my closest friends for fear of being hurt by that person? i hate that is what that relationship has turned into; it also breaks my heart. and the one person i always felt comfortable with, the one person i could always be real with is now thousands of miles away in central america. i can't describe to you how i miss molly; she has this incredible ability to put me at ease, which i didn't realize until she was no longer here.
so here i am, in this state of apathy; and while it has brought me relief for a short period, it is slowly wearing off and that old and all too familiar pain is creeping back in. a very dear friend of mine consistently tells me that "it is okay to not be okay."
i'm trying my best to believe that, but the world is telling me otherwise.
so i wake up every morning, put on a smile, and try to fake it as best i can; all the while slowly dying inside and destroying what's left of some of the best relationships i've ever had.
this has got to stop.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

my boys.

this morning i had the privilege of attending jacob's well with josh and jon. i was pretty stoked considering i thought i was going to have to go by myself...not to mention i love love love those guys.

*side note: i really love jacob's well. sure, a lot of people say that...but it has been a saving grace for me over the past 2 1/2 years. finally, a church where i am fed and delve into the word. it's wonderful, and exactly what i need at this point in my life. just something that stuck out to me this morning: tim said, "activism without reflection and contemplation is just business."*

lately i've realized how blessed i am to have men like josh and jon in my life. throughout high school i had a lot of guy friends, but my life has always lacked the support and presence of strong godly men. he has finally blessed me with that; while my relationship with each of them is unique, they all offer me strength by being my brothers in christ. they are so sincere in their beliefs, so determined to be the kind of men God desires them to be, that i am inspired by them. it's been incredible to watch them grow. my prayer for them is that they continue to allow God to work through them so that they may continue to encourage and inspire others. my desire to express to them in words what they mean to me comes unmet, but it's my prayer they know i consider my relationship with each of them invaluable.

plus, they're hilarious :)
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