Friday, December 26, 2008

just live, kid.

i spent the morning with my friend shannon, at her grave site.
you might think this is weird...my mom sure does.
but loneliness will drive you to do things you normally wouldn't.

i just needed someone to talk to.
and i could always count on shannon, even now.

as i sat on the cold, frozen ground, running my fingers over the lettering i was flooded with memories: growing up with her and krissy, softball, all the stupid things we did, her grin, "lip chap", the 15 hour drive home from louisiana for her funeral. man, i miss her.

i don't know how long i was there...i don't think it matters. but what i do know is that for the first time since i got home, i didn't feel alone. granted, i know she's not there physically; but she was most definitely with me this morning. so there i sat: i cried. i laughed. i yelled at god. i told her my secrets. i poured my heart out.

as soon as i got home from school, i began counting down the days until i could leave again.
i don't want it to be like that. i want home to be a sanctuary, a safe place.
but it's not.

the future is uncertain and scary. i've started the process, and i don't know what will come of it. how things play out from here is out of my control. not knowing is terrifying.

but then i remember what shannon used to tell me:
you don't have to know. just live, kid.
i'm trying.

1 comment:

Kelsey said...

Girl,
You're living. It's just a new type of living....
lvoe you!

 
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