Friday, December 26, 2008

just live, kid.

i spent the morning with my friend shannon, at her grave site.
you might think this is mom sure does.
but loneliness will drive you to do things you normally wouldn't.

i just needed someone to talk to.
and i could always count on shannon, even now.

as i sat on the cold, frozen ground, running my fingers over the lettering i was flooded with memories: growing up with her and krissy, softball, all the stupid things we did, her grin, "lip chap", the 15 hour drive home from louisiana for her funeral. man, i miss her.

i don't know how long i was there...i don't think it matters. but what i do know is that for the first time since i got home, i didn't feel alone. granted, i know she's not there physically; but she was most definitely with me this morning. so there i sat: i cried. i laughed. i yelled at god. i told her my secrets. i poured my heart out.

as soon as i got home from school, i began counting down the days until i could leave again.
i don't want it to be like that. i want home to be a sanctuary, a safe place.
but it's not.

the future is uncertain and scary. i've started the process, and i don't know what will come of it. how things play out from here is out of my control. not knowing is terrifying.

but then i remember what shannon used to tell me:
you don't have to know. just live, kid.
i'm trying.

1 comment:

Kelsey said...

You're living. It's just a new type of living....
lvoe you!

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