Friday, December 26, 2008

just live, kid.

i spent the morning with my friend shannon, at her grave site.
you might think this is mom sure does.
but loneliness will drive you to do things you normally wouldn't.

i just needed someone to talk to.
and i could always count on shannon, even now.

as i sat on the cold, frozen ground, running my fingers over the lettering i was flooded with memories: growing up with her and krissy, softball, all the stupid things we did, her grin, "lip chap", the 15 hour drive home from louisiana for her funeral. man, i miss her.

i don't know how long i was there...i don't think it matters. but what i do know is that for the first time since i got home, i didn't feel alone. granted, i know she's not there physically; but she was most definitely with me this morning. so there i sat: i cried. i laughed. i yelled at god. i told her my secrets. i poured my heart out.

as soon as i got home from school, i began counting down the days until i could leave again.
i don't want it to be like that. i want home to be a sanctuary, a safe place.
but it's not.

the future is uncertain and scary. i've started the process, and i don't know what will come of it. how things play out from here is out of my control. not knowing is terrifying.

but then i remember what shannon used to tell me:
you don't have to know. just live, kid.
i'm trying.

Friday, December 12, 2008

'tis the season.

dirty coffee cups are piled up and pushed to the sides of my desk.
books and papers are strung about the floor.
my bed isn't always made.
i've slept 12 hours in the past 5 days.
assignments are looming over my head, slowly but surely being pushed off one by one.

yep, 'tis the season....
for finals.

this year finals week is different. not only is it, and the preceding week, an incredible amount of work, it is also the last week i will spend with some of my dearest friends. at the end of next week, the end of this semester, five of my dearest friends will be jetting off to their respective study abroad locations.
brett to oxford.
jessie and laurel to harlexton.
sarah to spain.
and molly to...well i can't ever remember, but three different south american countries.
when i look at this list and think about these people being gone for a whole semester, it is almost incomprehensible to me. i cannot imagine jewell without them. and it's going to be weird.
no more waiting for sarah for breakfast.
no more trips into kansas city with molly.
no more making fun of laurel.
no more of jessie's sarcasm.
no more of brett's wonderful greetings.
while my selfish desire to keep them here is strong, i am extremely excited for the adventures they are all have set before them. this time apart, while difficult, will be good. we will each have our own adventures and come back together with a new appreciation of each other and our life together and many wonderful stories. "absence makes the heart grow founder"...i'd like to believe that's true.
so i bid you farewell, my dear friends.
gallivant around the world as you will.
love on people.
build relationships.
and don't forget to write.
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