Sunday, September 21, 2008

the great storm.

matthew 8:23-27:
currently, i am in the middle of the biggest storm of my life.

uprooted from the only place i've ever felt a sense of belonging. anger. jealousy. cynicism. loneliness that cuts to the deepest parts of me. restlessness. this unrelentless weight on my chest. constant pain. depression. confusion. misery. insecurity. exhaustion...spiritually, mentally, physically. discomfort. hopelessness.

each day when i wake up i ask myself, "why do i even bother getting out of bed?" it's a struggle to simply scrape through the day--i used to be strong. i used to be reliable. i used to be a good friend. i used to be in control. i used to know joy...

what's happened to me?
what's going to happen to me?

i feel like a burden, and obligation, like i'm too i keep to myself. but i can't handle that either. what am i supposed to do? i want to be okay, please believe me. but i'm not...not even close. and i'm so afraid that i never will be.

why am i writing this? does anyone even read this? maybe that's why...because i don't think anyone actually does. or maybe it's a cry for help. who knows.

save me, lord; i am perishing.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

not your year.

Scattered shadows on a wall, you watch the long light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door, clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long.
Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.
Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their blissliving easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you're doing wrong.
Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating "don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."
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