Friday, August 29, 2008

the end of myself.

is it christmas yet? can i go back to shreveport yet?

before i came back to jewell someone asked me if i was ready to "go back to the real world." here at jewell i'm insanely busy--two jobs, RA, 17 hours, co-president of Amnesty, the list goes on and on--but this is NOT the real world.

i experienced the real world this summer...
poverty. little kids not getting to be little kids. the struggle to simply survive. societal divides and barriers. people loving and taking care of one another just because. joy. community.

i did not go on a "mission trip" or work at a "community center" this summer. i went and became part of a community, and built relationships.

already the transition is proving incredibly difficult...but i expected this. i'm finding myself tired, frustrated, lonely, hurting, and cynical. but i refuse to let life at jewell suck me dry of the joy i found this summer.

if i'm honest with myself, i'd admit it's harder for me to love these people than it is to love the people in cedar grove. some people have trouble loving the poor...i'm the opposite. this is where i have to remind myself that i'm just as broken, guilty, privlaged, undeserving as anyone here.

soon i'll be burnt out, stressed out, exhausted, and empty. that time will be the end of myself, and thank god...because i suck at doing this thing called life on my own.

god's challenging me...and i'm game. mostly because i know it's not for me to win or lose.
so bring it on...i will continue to learn, grow, be, and love.

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